Hi Julie! Did You Know What An Idiot You Are?

Put on your Hammer pants because it’s fussin’ time. (Note: Even I don’t have any idea what that means.)

I have a high tolerance for spam emails because, as a link builder, I spam the piss out of people so it’s a bit hypocritical for me to get all high and mighty. However, I am indeed going to climb up on a high horse right now because I’ve truly had it with these guys.

SpamSpamSpam

Here’s the thing: I very rarely respond in a rude fashion even when people are begging for me to jump ugly, so it really does take a lot. I will certainly talk a giant amount of shite of course, behind their backs. ANYHOO, I’m currently being besieged by companies who are offering to sell me SEO leads. I was actually planning to rant a bit about SEO companies who point out that my site isn’t ranking on the first page of Google for some keywords that they don’t actually mention to me in their snotty emails, but I’m heading for the leads people instead because they are about as obnoxious as Bono. I’ll soon get to the “your rankings are freaking NOWHERE!” people though, don’t worry.

My latest lead-gen exchange went something like this, and for this post I’ll call the company “Dimwith and Dunderfloppin”, and I’ll be “Lady Latika.” No no, I’ll be Julie.

Dimwith and Dunderfloppin: “Hi Julie. We can sell you leads! LEADS! I cannot imagine that you will ignore this offer.”

Lady Latika: ignores email. Wait…Julie ignores the email.

Dimwith and Dunderfloppin: “Hi again Julie! You must have missed my first email as I cannot possibly imagine that you would be stupid enough to realize that without my cheap SEO leads, your agency will soon disband and you won’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Can we talk on the phone in 5 minutes so I can explain to your stupid girl brain that this is a proposal you need to freaking take seriously, you silly cow?”

Julie, smugly: “Thanks very much for the offer but we’re ok right now and I sometimes need to send referrals elsewhere as we’re overbooked.”

Well that was the WRONG thing to say. That was the equivalent of telling the Mormons that you love Satan. They don’t go away when you say that, please note.

Dimwith and Dunderfloppin: “Ha. I am truly amazed at what a stupid business girl you are to say that to me. Anyone with a brain would be hiring more people. Please let me call you so we can discuss how you can not screw up further by ignoring my amazeballs offer. How could you seriously not realize that you’re a big idiotic cow?”

Julie: ignores the email, trying to think of something to say that is witty, biting, cruel, but not illegal.

Dimwith and Dunderfloppin: “Julie. We seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot. Can you just buy some leads from me please? I have to make my monthly quota.”

Notice that I said “my latest exchange” as, amazingly, this is not a one-time thing for me. I’m not dumb enough to think it’s happening because I’m female so don’t any of you dare suggest that. I think it’s happening because I am dumb enough to engage them, though.

A couple of years back, I was hassled, and I do mean hassled, by a guy who wanted me to build links for him. We never even got around to a quote because we were booked then too and I don’t take on work just to get the money and do a crap job so when we’re booked…we’re booked. He emailed me for about 18 months on and off, always telling me that I was a shit business owner, that I needed to read some books on entrepreneurship (like THAT would ever happen while there are Henning Mankells and Paul Austers to be consumed), and basically just making sure I knew that he thought I was really quite horrible at business but yes, he did still want me to build links for him naturally because while I was not smart enough to secure VC funding, I was still decent enough at sending outreach emails. Obviously I did not work with this nutjob.

Apparently I suck though so onto the “your site could knock a buzzard off a shitwagon!” people. One guy has called the office and sent me several emails telling me how my website is pretty darned horrible and that he has some suggestions for me. Not only is this offensive (even though the site does truly suck) but it shows a total lack of understanding of how online marketing works. My website sucks for you? I still have enough business that I have to turn away several good leads a month. Yes, I know I keep mentioning that but it really is true so it’s relevant. My business comes from referrals, from articles that I write, from word of mouth, but not usually from someone finding me in a Google search for “link building company.” So really, who’s the idiot now? Me for knowing how to generate my own business leads or these obnoxious cold-callers who think that I am not making millions because I am on the second page of Google for “large fish” or because there are 15 things that could be improved on my aforementioned crappy site? How smart is it to try and sell your services by insulting people? And if you are going to insult them, can’t you use proper grammar?

actual insulting spam not the good fun kind

In the above example, which was sent to me as the owner of a local site that does nothing but publish local news about, um, what’s going on locally, you’ll see that I “might” have POISON words on the site, and I have a problem with (Products) which is actually true as I have no clue what those might be. Can you imagine all the clueless webmasters who see these emails and panic?

Apparently it’s going well enough that it’s becoming a more acceptable way to get business, and that’s fine if you like being told that you’re missing out on everything good in the world of business, but it’s just not for me. Can you imagine if I went through your link profile and sent you an email, out of the blue, telling you that you were seconds away from being de-indexed most likely? If you’ve ever run more than maybe 5 link profiles, have you ever found one that didn’t contain something you could use in order to scare the beJesus out of someone?

“Hi (webmaster)! I noticed that you have some links that have “bill those assholes for these sponsored yet followed links again on Feb 14, 2015″ in the code so I am thinking that you really have no clue what you’re doing. Can you answer the phone in 5 minutes so that I can explain why you should go jump off a building right now?

Love,
Lady Latika”

Posted in SEO

9 thoughts on “Hi Julie! Did You Know What An Idiot You Are?

  1. Dustin Verburg says:

    Julie your site is full of Bell Biv Devoe words, shame on you. But I can offer antidote words that get you to the top of Google’s homepage

  2. Haha! Nice, funny, awesome and true.

    I’m not sure, if these mass emails still work for the people, they are keep investing time on it. I once followed back an email and asked for the SEO audit. He returned to me with the 3 pages audit that was generated through a website (nothing informative) and thinking it’s enough to convince me to purchase his services.

    I laughed so hard on this “Can you answer the phone in 5 minutes so that I can explain why you should go jump off a building right now”

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