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Hi Julie! Did You Know What An Idiot You Are?

Put on your Hammer pants because it’s fussin’ time. (Note: Even I don’t have any idea what that means.)

I have a high tolerance for spam emails because, as a link builder, I spam the piss out of people so it’s a bit hypocritical for me to get all high and mighty. However, I am indeed going to climb up on a high horse right now because I’ve truly had it with these guys.

SpamSpamSpam

Here’s the thing: I very rarely respond in a rude fashion even when people are begging for me to jump ugly, so it really does take a lot. I will certainly talk a giant amount of shite of course, behind their backs. ANYHOO, I’m currently being besieged by companies who are offering to sell me SEO leads. I was actually planning to rant a bit about SEO companies who point out that my site isn’t ranking on the first page of Google for some keywords that they don’t actually mention to me in their snotty emails, but I’m heading for the leads people instead because they are about as obnoxious as Bono. I’ll soon get to the “your rankings are freaking NOWHERE!” people though, don’t worry.

My latest lead-gen exchange went something like this, and for this post I’ll call the company “Dimwith and Dunderfloppin”, and I’ll be “Lady Latika.” No no, I’ll be Julie. Continue reading “Hi Julie! Did You Know What An Idiot You Are?”

thankyou

Classing It Up Like It Actually IS Your Job

Being a proper Southern lady (which I totally am so just ask anyone who’s never met me in person please, as otherwise this charade won’t go on for much longer) I am always very impressed when someone takes the time to say thank you, but when they take the time to actually do something to indicate their thanks? I’m devoted to them forever.

There’s too little of this in the world today as simple gratitude keeps getting replaced by more and more entitlement. For example, I am a big door holder. I don’t mean that I hold big doors, although I would, but if I have the chance to hold the door for someone even if this person is 50 feet behind me, I’ll do it. The other day I held the door for some total bleached blonde cow with a baby carriage and she pushed past me, smugly staring me down without saying a word. She’s lucky I had my daughter with me or I’d have gone into a hillbilly rage where the Muzak suddenly turned into the music that played on The Dukes Of Hazzard when there was a fight scene. Why couldn’t she just say “thank you” and not make me wish I’d brought my cast iron skillet with me as I shopped? (I usually do.)

thank you Continue reading “Classing It Up Like It Actually IS Your Job”

My Wish List for a Happy 2014, and All That Jazz

Yes, I hate seeing posts like this but they’re just so damned fun to write…

I just finished a 2013 wrap-up post for a site and after having to relive some of the horrors that were visited upon this industry, and there were many, I can safely say that 2014 is probably going to suck, too. Google’s going to continue to attempt to remove all of the loopholes that allow so many of us to thrive online, and they’ll continue to accidentally punish people who didn’t know what they were doing was a bad idea, or, God forbid, didn’t actually do anything that was wrong at the time. I’m sure some of you will be muttering about how that never happens, but you’re utterly and completely out of touch if you don’t think that there are accidental casualties whenever they start making changes.

But I’m not here to rant about Google, because I freaking love Gmail, even though the tabs thing annoys me to this day. And I love Google Analytics and Webmaster Tools and I do enjoy a good doodle. When I search, it’s usually in Google. I don’t advise people to go Dogpile something, do I? Do I?? Hell no!

dandylion wishSo what will I wish for in 2014, other than some previously unreleased Clash albums to magically appear alongside a year’s supply of Marmite that Judi Dench and Steve Coogan personally spread on toast for me every morning, whilst also whipping up a lovely cappuccino?

My 2014 Wish List

Wish #1. People who don’t know what they’re talking about will talk less. Whether it’s giving advice on Twitter, writing for Search Engine Journal or just emailing some completely stupid nonsense plan to someone, please stop it. If you have never built a link in your life, don’t talk about how to build links. If you have only run some PPC ads, I don’t really care about your plan for a technical overhaul of a site. If you’ve been doing SEO for less than 6 months, while I respect that we all have to start somewhere, I really don’t want to read about your success with your clients because you know what? Thinking you’ve done something successful in 6 months is the mark of a child in this industry. You’ve just thrown 1000 links at your client’s site in the past week and the rankings are up? Call me the next time the algorithm changes. Continue reading “My Wish List for a Happy 2014, and All That Jazz”